“This Boy”

 

Sometimes...
You are like the moon in the morning
Kinda hard to see
But I know you are there
Is this all that it is
To pray and hear nothing
To serve and don’t receive anything
Is it my judgement
Is it my purpose for my desires not to come to pass
or rather, has my disobedience plagued my vision so I cannot discern a blessing
Im still alive but breaths are shorter than my temper for when you speak I don’t hear you

This tempest can only be drowned by temperance but I’m filthy
Covered in dirty thoughts
A lack of faith and a whet mind for this dry land
I’ve succumb to the life of a swine but I still yearn for pearls

This boy cannot wait on words echoed from a book begotten from a different realm
I’m struggling to see what’s in front of me
So how am I suppose to feel you inside of myself

How will I ever know you are there, hearing stories of you makes me envious

It makes me think you aren’t fond of me

What am I doing wrong
They can see

 

The lamp of my body is dimmed
As I still have my life
Shake my soul
Blind my already impaired vision like Saul Make the last thing I see is your face

For I am seeing that I have never

  

 

 

“Finally”

 

Sometimes I go outside
Exactly where God wants me
And as I look up to the clouds
Even with how unpredictable the wind is
They seem to have more direction than me
Oh what a blessing it is to be moved by the breath of God

What mistake can you make if you’re not the one who’s moving yourself
How can you abide by time that way
Man of God you’re not a failure
For whom the bell tolls
It tolls for thee
It tolls for me
Man of God I need you
We are all a part of one body
That God has strategically put together and no part is more important than the other
So that means that each part is essential

I can’t have you not understanding your purpose and moving in this life without direction
God he is in your hands
And somehow after receiving salvation he is lost in the creases in your palms

Lead me in the way of the everlasting
Sin has died but the wind has risen in me
Protect me oh God from feeling Christian and that just being enough
Build in me a faith Father that springs to the voice of you

Search me and see if there is any wicked way in me
Give me your spirit to do Your will
For I am no longer a sluggard jogging in place
I am a man of purpose
I am a mighty man of valor that will meditate on the word day and night
I am a servant Father that will cheerfully give
With honor, love, and direction
I speak it over your life

I speak it over my life
No longer will I care how my life is perceived by others I will follow the cloud in the sky
I will be fed manna and won’t save it till the morrow because I have faith in you God that you’ll show me the way
Hallelujah

 

 

“God is a Gentleman”

 

God is a gentleman
He will not force himself on you
Free will exists due to his keen politeness and love for you He wants to hug you like your earthly father chose not to He protects you from the unknown and doesn’t let you know how horrible the world truly is
So you’re not afraid
He walks with you
Not ashamed of who you are and what you’ve done because he knows you’re wonderful
He listens to your cries for help and prepares a way to make you smile
He never takes advantage of you
Everything he does is for your benefit
He’s selfless when you’re selfish
He’s your shield in a field of war with no weapons Stranded thinking that a mirage is your salvation
he’s your water in a desert
He’s your father only wanting the best for his daughter

 

And that means depriving you of the world if that’s what it takes to keep you as his baby girl
God is a gentleman
He will only give his blessing to a man that is just like him

That is love
That is fatherhood
Only allowing the best for his little sweetheart
The man that wants to be with his daughter must take up his responsibilities as seriously as he wants to breathe God spent too much time creating and perfecting you so delicately and beautifully to be taken for granted
That is love
That is fatherhood
He has to be willing to die for you without hesitation Be prepared to provide for you in desperation
And make the same commitment to love you daily regardless of time and situation
And only then, God will grab your hand

 

Walk down the aisle with you and give a holy smirk to you and that young man
And since you know your father, you can fill it in your spirit that he approves

And in the event he doesn’t

God is a gentleman
He will not force himself or his decisions on you
Your earthly father may not be with you but your Heavenly Father is always present
I wrote this for those women who will walk down the aisle by themselves due to the coward selfishness of their earthly fathers
Just find comfort in your Heavenly Father
For he truly loves you

 

“Conscience”

 

Somethings are better not to know because of your conscience

People that mean the world to you out here doing nonsense

When I heard what you said

I haven’t been the same since

Dang….

 

 

 

“Juju And I”

 

Juju and I were diagnosed with depression

It makes sense but I’m not even going to worry about it

Cruising through the streets of a place we don’t call home

Not even praying He doesn’t call us

We’ve been laughing in the faces of those we feel compelled to weep on

A tear is weak

A joke Is strength

We’ve been taught to laugh instead of cry so you’ll receive the joy of the Lord

In fact, you already have it

What are you crying for?

You live in a home

You have a nice job

You have plenty of friends

But you think of dying

Crying in the front seat with Juju

Lil Juju taught me one campus life we ought to have a heart for Jesus

But aren’t we the ones preaching Him already?

Oh God we got it wrong

Let me cry in your lap like I’m suppose to

Let me laugh when things are actually funny

I’ve trained my brain to find pain amusing

No wonder I’m always laughing

Lil Juju got it right

While Juju and I are teaching the generation that maybe just maybe God isn’t enough

But tough to say Oh Lord

Tough times exist

Help us draw from you instead draw on our own reality what’s not there

Depression who?

Thank you lil Juju

Thank you

 

“Grief Poem”

My alarm rings

I spring up to snooze it along with my self control

Hours later I wake up

Drenched in sweat

Not from being hot

But from running in circles

My tear ducks are empty

Not from crying altogether

But tricking myself to think this level of disappointment is normal

You’re not the problem

Im the problem

How can I proclaim a dream at the top of my voice to God

Then whisper it to His children in despair

I must gather myself

My dreams died a long time ago

Therefore every couple months my mind gives birth to new ones

Secretly hoping each one won’t have the same fate as the last

I can’t continue anything

But I have no problem starting

I startle myself when I speak words of wisdom to others but refuse to take my own advice

What’s wrong with me?

There’s no good apart from you

My portion and my cup are completely in Jesus because the way I’m living the only inheritance I’ll receive is what Jesus died for?

I don’t wish to die but I shake my head at my impending death because I will see Him

Will He greet me gladly on judgement day or will He deny me entry?

There’s no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

But man I’m chained

I’m convicted

I died

A part of me died a long time ago

The part that believes dreams come true

I believe it

I just don’t know if it’s true for me

It’s weighing down on my heart as the day goes by

My joy is real but at times it’s as plastic as a cup flowing in the ocean

It was once used then thrown away and forgotten forever

Then cleaned up and reused

After 6pm I shift my focus to what really hurts

The forever nothingness

As the hours of the day turn to another day I can’t sleep

I go to sleep completely disregarding how early I should wake up to have a productive day

Thus repeating the cycle

My alarm rings

I spring up to snooze it along with my self control

Hours later I wake up

Drenched in sweat

Not from being hot

But from running in circles

 

 

 

“Oh give me joy”

 

Give me that Mary Ann Georges sufficient for today

Is it really okay?

When a believer struggles with the same things as someone who doesn’t know Jesus?

Like Jesus heal my depression

What depression?

I can’t be sad because I know Jesus right?

I can’t think about today being my breaking point

I can’t think about taking way too many ibuprofens

I can’t think about taking my life as a minister

Come on now I have the Holy Spirit

I can’t think about being prayed over as I am the one leading the alter call

I can’t, I just can’t commit suicide

These thoughts are from the Devil

Very much so

In fact these thoughts are impossible for me to have so therefore these things that I’m sharing with you right now are not real

This is a dream and it requires the correct interpretation because I can’t have you thinking that I’m not spending sufficient enough time in my Bible

Which should completely negate me from having depression in the first place

Am I right church?

I can’t question if there is fullness of joy in his presence because I’m suppose to live there

I can’t struggle with believing a good day may never exist before me

I don’t know how to put in words that after prayer and fasting I struggle to truthfully smile inwardly

Some would say I need to give my life to Jesus all over again because I’m probably not Christian…

My response to that is…

As I wake up

Struggle to get off the bed

Hate what I see in the mirror I can’t help but think about ending it

But I am only alive because I have chosen to give my life to Jesus every…single…day…

I’m insecure

I’m afraid

And I’m ashamed

But I am free

Jesus overcame the world

But Jesus’ life isn’t defined by His death

It is defined by his resurrection

And if the same spirit that rose Jesus from the dead lives in me

Then pray for me

Trust that this depression isn’t something that will define me but something that God will use as a defining moment to draw more people to Him

Check on your people

The last thing we want to hear is that one of us is gone

Not by friendly fire, not by accident, not by murder but by a self inflicting wound

Jesus didn’t get His life taken from Him but He laid down His life so in the midst of us struggling with sin we may win this battle

In fact, we already won

So look at us as victorious

And pray for us expecting us to smile outwardly

To have joy in the fullness of His presence

To look forward to life because our Jesus gave His life that we may live it abundantly

I wanna see you again

Where no tear can be found in the crevice of your eyelids

Where no unwholesome thought toward your life may be near

I wanna see you

In the bosom of your father

Just where you belong

Oh God you gave us joy again

And you…you give it eternally

And you are with us always